Some people don't want to tell anyone and others just their family or a very good friend. But whatever you choose, you decide who to tell and what to say. Telling a friend that you have HIV, isn't something you do lightly. It's a very nerve-racking moment. How will they react? What words will you use? How do you start?
Your parents can definitely help you with this, and of course also your doctor or consultant, as they certainly have more experience of this.

Annouschka Weijsenfeld (42), children's HIV consultant

In order to make the right choice we look together at what best suits the child. Many children don't feel the need to tell people that they are HIV positive. They don't really want to explain it or talk about it. It doesn't really hinder them much and they prefer to leave things as they are. Others don't like having to hide something. They would rather not tell people, but it bothers them. And others do tell people, such as friends. Telling someone can go well, people are then interested in what it means for you and you feel supported as a result. But it is also possible that you tell someone in confidence and that person then goes on to tell other people, for example, when the friendship is no longer so close. At times like that it's important for children to know that it's not their fault and that it wasn't wrong to tell; the problem lies with the person who told others! It's about making their own choices and standing by them. It is obviously very strange that you can normally say to others that you have rheumatism, diabetes or asthma, but that still can't be done easily with HIV. We hope that one day we'll see this change for good, we remain committed to that!

Henriette Scherpbier (59), general pediatrician

They are mostly stuck with the secret, which they can't share with others, with friends. That's really quite difficult. But when they get older you see that they do put their trust in one or two really good friends and tell them. It's a difficult process and it requires time and courage.

Joyce (20)

I make choices. I have to know someone inside out and if I really trust that person, then I tell them. Then we're good friends. When I've told people, they've often also revealed something themselves that they don't usually share with others. The bond then immediately becomes stronger. Many of my friends are homosexual. They often don't use protection, very happy-go-lucky. But since they found out about me, they've been taking more care. If you want to tell someone other than another HIV sufferer, such as your best friend who is really trustworthy, invite them to your house and calmly explain to them what it is. Personally, I like it when my friends know what's wrong when I'm sick or have to go for check-ups. Before my friends tell anyone else, I want them to get my permission first. I want to know who knows and who doesn't instead of hearing afterward. That's an important thing to add. I also want them to be honest with me about whether they want to continue our friendship. I've not yet experienced anyone who didn't.

Annemieke (47), mother of Allard (11), both have HIV

We really struggled with that issue. We thought that everyone had to be told and there was also a bit of fear involved. We didn't really have a choice. At that time, we had to tell everything because imagine if others became infected. So I had to tell the minister at our church for instance. At kindergarten, the teacher was taken aside by someone who had heard via the church. There was a lot of hype about it. People who we thought didn't know about it and who didn't even go to our church had heard on the grapevine that they had to watch out because we had HIV and had heard all about how it had happened. There was an awful lot of gossiping. The nurse held an information evening at school for the teachers. That did bring some calm to the situation but it was not how we had wanted it to be ourselves.

Allard (11)

Am I going to tell anybody now that I go to high school? I don't think so. Because I just feel like a normal boy. What about good friends in the future? I don't know. A big secret? It's not that. I don't think about it that much.

Jane (45), mother of Ashley (15), both have HIV

My biggest fear was that she would tell others. There are friends who say they are your best friend and then after a while you're dropped and the whole school knows about it and you become an outcast. We have really stressed to her not to say anything. And explained that it was for her own protection. I knew that would be the most difficult thing for her.

Ashley (15)

I recently had a really good chat with my best friend and she told me a few secrets. I really felt like telling her then, but I didn't. I was afraid to, imagine if we had an argument or something. That does sometimes happen. It's a different kind of secret that she has. I think she would look at me very strangely. And that she wouldn't dare do certain things anymore. Everyone thinks that you mustn't come into contact with a person's saliva or touch their hands and so on. People think the strangest things, but they don't know exactly what HIV is and that's what I'm afraid of. I now also spend some time giving information sessions and so on. We had a project week at school about being different and I told my story, but I told it as if it were a friend of mine. That way I can talk about my illness, but through another person. What do I find the hardest? Not telling people. Other people don't have to deal with all this and I do. Why do I have this now? All those sorts of questions went through my head. But that just made me more unhappy. And it didn't achieve anything.

Marjee (18)

I don't tell anything to other people. But I have told two boyfriends and one female friend. The boys took it well, but my female friend didn't. I was disappointed about that because we had been friends for quite a long time. She's also training to be a medical assistant. And I've known her since high school, so I expected her to take it well. That was awful, but that's life.
I started by testing my boyfriends first and asked how they would react if someone had HIV. I thought if they reacted well, I would tell them the whole story in one go. But I didn't do it all in one go. Every few months I said something about it. Was I nervous before telling people?
Terribly. The first time it took me weeks to come out with it, but the next time I rehearsed everything in my head and worked out a whole plan for telling him.
The first person I told was a boyfriend that I was in love with. He accepted it and didn't mind at all. Everyone has something, he said. He was also okay with the fact that he could get it as well if we had sex. And he didn't mind using a condom. The female friend came after that. She reacted a bit shocked in the beginning but it still went okay. But two weeks later she said she didn't want anything more to do with me because I have the virus. I think it was down to ignorance.

Maureen (16)

It's not something I can share easily. I'm scared that others will see me as dirty or something. If I tell my best friend, I'm scared of losing her. Other people don't need to know. It's my business. My family knows, but it actually has nothing to do with anyone else. When I want to talk about it, I talk to my sister, and luckily I have a best friend who also has it. So I can also discuss it with her or with my mom.

Naomi (16)

At school, two of my friends know. How did they react when I told them?
Very well. They didn't know what it was so I explained it a bit. They accept me as I am. They can't see the difference, with or without. Gossiping? I don't think my friends will tell other people. I'm worried about prejudice and won't really make it known.

Ferdinand (14)

Do my best friends know that I have HIV? No, they don't know. I don't want to tell them either. I'm ashamed of it. I also don't know how they would react. They could shut me out and I don't want that.

Martin (17)

I am very closed about it. None of my friends know. Now with The Young Ones, fortunately you can talk about it. I talk a lot and get it all off my chest. Besides that, I'm fairly normal. What would I prefer to do? Immediately tell others about it. And after that no hassle. That people don't make it difficult. Is there a chance that can happen in the future?
I currently still live with my parents and I need permission to tell people. But one day, if I go into advertising, I'll make posters or something. I'm seriously thinking about that. You can achieve more with education.

Thea (49), mother of Gerald (14), both have HIV

I don't say anything about it. We don't give it a name, I do that as a precaution. When Gerald had to be admitted to the hospital, we said that he had gone to stay with relatives. Fortunately, no questions were asked about it or about my situation. Very occasionally, someone asks if everything is okay again. Then I say that it's all fine now.
For me, the worst thing would be if the children were avoided by their friends. With children, you never know what can happen when they're playing. They could fall over. Parents are very sensitive when it comes to their children. If they knew, they really wouldn't come near us anymore. Do I teach them not to talk about it? Yes, it doesn't require any effort not to talk about it. The eldest keeps a lot inside. He is happy, but he just doesn't tell people that sort of thing. The youngest is more of a chatterbox, but we have taught him that he definitely shouldn't tell others, because you don't know how people will react. He has always had problems with his ears, so he's allowed to play that card. The youngest isn't receiving any medication yet.

Gerald (14)

Do I talk to others about it? No, but I don't really know why. Maybe I'm a bit embarrassed. Because not everyone knows much about it. I've noticed that. It's not difficult keeping it to myself. When I have to go to hospital, I make up an excuse that I'm going to see someone I know or something. I don't have to go to the hospital very often, once or twice for blood tests. Then we often go into town and combine it with an outing. Are the people in the neighborhood allowed to know that we have it? I don't think so. I'm afraid that they'll look at us strangely.

Benjamin (21)

Who did I tell? My boyfriend who went with me to the test. And also my two best female friends and my boyfriend's best friend, because she has it too. My parents as well? No, but they found out because the health insurer let them see a printout of my expenses. The word Eviplera appeared several times, that's the name of the pills that I take. My mom looked it up on the Internet and found out what it was for.